Ve-Heishiv Leiv Avos al Banim ve-Leiv Banim al-Avosam is a choice.

Forgive first and last and even if no one forgives you back, but forgive.

Austin Kleon ( @austinkleon) recently said:

"I find that as the world loses its mind, I want to spend time with people in the past who kept their heads.

Why not turn to the last words of the prophets, Malachi 3:24?

Lein it with me like your life depends upon it:

וְהֵשִׁ֤יב לֵב־אָבוֹת֙ עַל־בָּנִ֔ים וְלֵ֥ב בָּנִ֖ים עַל־אֲבוֹתָ֑ם פֶּן־אָב֕וֹא וְהִכֵּיתִ֥י אֶת־הָאָ֖רֶץ חֵֽרֶם׃

“And he will return the child's hearts to their parents, and their parents to their children….

....or I'm going to smack the crap out of the land and it'll all go to ruin.”

Ve-heishiv lev Avos al Banim, and its opposite pole, Lev Banim al Avosam - you see, these are not two things, they are one thing - is a choice that you can make. Repair one, you've repaired the other. What you do is you unilaterally and unconditionally forgive them. Or him. Or her. Works going up and going down. You can forgive your child too, if that's what is needed. That is the moment you become an adult, even if they didn't. Even if they did and you didn't. And there's no more bill. It's over.

No, you don't forget the pain, but it doesn't hurt anymore. It's the same for them, but you did it. You relieved your pain, and theirs.

We all have a parent wound. Even if we don't, we do. Even if you had a good childhood. Even if you only had one good day with them that you can remember. Even if you can't remember even one good hour. We includes me in case this feels depersonalized. But we includes you as well.

But the parent wound…s are not destiny. It isn't trapped in the line, the blood, or the DNA. It's not a splinter you forgot to remove twenty years ago so ah well it's just in deeply. We can all choose to forgive, unilaterally, and sincerely. And it will freshen you like you've never been freshened - refreshing. You don't have to tell them. Also, the only one who needs to be alive is you. Forgiveness lies in your heart. Your heart just might expand.

Here's a letter written to my relative in 1959:

March 24, 1959

Dear Rabbi Shimon,

Sincerely hope this letter finds you and your dear family all in very good health.

Rabbi, I have something very important to tell you and please try to help me out of my sorrow.

About 10 months ago my son Bernie left Los Angeles with out letting me know any thing about where he went. I did not hear anything, he never wrote to me, but I finally got his address from the Social Security office.

Two weeks ago I called him, I asked him why did he do this to me, Son do I deserve such treatment from you.

He told me he wants to forget his past and every body he don't want to think and don't want to remember any body. So I said to him, Bernie I am your Mother do I deserve this from you. He said to me he would write me a letter and as yet up to date I did not receive a letter from him.

Should I tell you Rabbi Shimon how terrible I feel, how very very heartbroken I am, I don't know why I deserve all this from him in my life.

Rabbi please try to help me, I am almost out of my mind from greif [sic] and sorry from all my troubles.

I have been ill, I have to undergo an operation, he is not near me, I have no one to talk my heart out to, I am absolutely desperate with greif [sic] and heart ache. I don't think I have any more tears left, because I have been crying for these 10 months, thinking and worrying about him, and when I called him he said he wanted to forget all of his past.

Rabbi dear, I ask of you your advice talk to me as though I were near you, I feel so lonesome all alone terribly heart sick over him. You know Rabbi what he means to me, he is all I have in this whole world, now this is what he told me he wants to forget.

Please Rabbi pray for me that your Prayers should be heard and answered to me. That I may at least have a little happiness.

Hope you and your dear family will have a very Joyous Passover.

Please give my very best regards to the Rebbezen.

Hope your prayers will be fulfilled to me, so I will see some light and get some sort of happiness in my life.

Surely hope your Prayers will be some comfort to me for the Passover Holidays, so I too may rejoyce [sic] in Holiday Spirit.

My very, very best regards to all of you for a very, very Happy Passover.

Sincerely

[her name]

Please Rabbi do answer me real soon.

Johnny B. Goode 🎶 🎶

Either you're ready for it or your kids are gonna love it.

When you change, you discover so does everyone else.